~_+_~Almost Holiday Day~_+_~

It is nearly that terrible day again.

I am wishing it to be a good day for you though, you deserve it to be good.

I wish you well, as I always do

Merry Christmas Kaitlyn

Talking

Today we talked.

It was nice.

It made me feel something other than depressed.

Thank you

Similar

I've had such times like that, where everything blends together and there is no spark to anything. It can stay with me for months at a time, and often returns.

I usually drown out with music, and food, lots more walking than usual (a bit hard to imagine isn't it?) and it takes a while before I get another spark again. Often times I find myself back in the same place of it.

Curiousity.....

You said that you heard the things I said about you, that you heard them more than once, but my question is, what were those things you heard.


I ask this because I know how many of the people in the group act, and how they go about things. I know that a number of them lie, to everyone, and yet somehow noone stays angry at them even when the lies create massive problems for others in the group.


I am curious to know what was told to you, but I'm not asking who, only what was said. I would like to believe that I have the right to know what people have claimed to come from me, to know what else I may have done that hurt you.....


Please at least give me this...

The Physical Misery

This is very unpleasant :(

I'm having an allergic reaction to something, and I have very little clue as to what it is I'm having the reaction to D:

I've only had a small handful of things out of the normal in the last 24 hours:

~_~ Ham

I normally dont have ham, I tend to get the Perdue Turkey Ham [however the deli clerk this time made a mistake and gave me the regular Black Forest Ham instead and still counted it as the Turley Ham]

~_~ Mountain Dew Call Of Duty: MW3 Game Fuel

Normally Mountain Dew is a negative, and I don't get it because Regular, Diet, Code Red, And Live Wire all have Orange Juice Concentrate as the third ingredient in them [which I am HIGHLY allergic to]. However the SuperNova, Voltage, White Out, And Game Fuel[the original Game Fuel (which had both Halo, and WoW editions) do not contain Orange Juice Concentrate.
Even looking over the ingredients listed on the bottle of this MW3 Game Fuel, it does not contain Orange Juice Concentrate. On most Mountain Dews, Orange Juice Concentrate is the third ingredient listed.


~_~ Snowflake Ritz Crackers

I have no idea how these could possibly be the reason for allergic reaction, honestly it doesnt make any sense that they would be.


As of this moment in time, I can't get any benedryl, and noone around seems to have any >.<
I really dont want to walk for 6 horus to go to the hospital and then have to wait another hour to two hours just to be helped and have to sit around for another couple horus after that. I also don't want to be that guy who calls for an ambulance either.

Lacking in the monetary as well means that I can't just go buy beneryl from the pharmacy, and stealing it would not go down very well, since it would be obvious that I'd done it, with the huge obvious reaction all over my face

This is misery, and it is unpleasant

Pieces Within

I know that you might not want to hear or read these things, but they are true.

I could never get you out of my head.....even now this is still the norm.

Almost all of my dreams over the last few years have had you in them, and all of my nightmares had you in them. I never had dreams about other people for the most part, and when there were other people in my dreams, they were just dreams about random things like walking around the mall and accidentally running into them and only seeing them momentarily before waking up.

As I am walking and listening to music each day while I'm on my way to find work and to try to hang out with people, my mind runs through thoughts of you and rememberances of times with you. Even when I'm not listenting to music I find myself deep in thoughts of you. My mind continues to flow towards thoughts of you and even when I attempt to think of other things, my mind runs back to you.....

You should know.....

I still love you, and I know that I hurt you.....

Someone we know told me that they felt terrible about what was going on, they found out how I felt about you, and they told me that it was their fault that you were with him, they told me that if they had known how I felt before, that they wouldn't have pushed you two together.
At that time I didn't really know that person too well, and I trusted her, she told me that she wanted to help me, and that she thought I was a better person than him. She lied to me, and she took the few things I said, twisted them, and fed them to everyone. She told me that he had been saying negative things of me, along with the one he lived with. Even now she continues to act as if she is a good friend.

When everything happened between us, I had been more happy than I had been in years, and when it came to an end I felt hurt, and it made me feel as if I had been led on. A couple people we know asked me what was wrong, and without thinking about what would happen, I told them how I felt like I had been led on.

When you talked to me after someone else we know said I'd hurt him the day before, what you told me hurt, and I didn't think about anything I was doing, I kept to myself for an hour, but that person who had been saying she'd help me, saw I was upset and asked me what was going on, and without thinking I went on a rant about how I felt hurt, and I said something that you had told me. I didnt mean to say it, and I know that when you heard it, you were hurt more than I will truly know. The moment it had left my mouth I tried to stop it, she told me that she wouldn't tell anyone, but within a short time she had told everyone, and I was damned by the words that I hadnt meant to say.

Before everything had happened, I had dreamed about you since we had first dated, and I had been afraid, but every thought of you made me feel lighter. When you actually came to talk to me, I was afraid, and I was relieved. You gave me the chance to talk to you, and I was able to tell you how I felt.

When you told me it couldn't be any longer, I had gone straight to a bottle, it wasn't healthy, and it wasnt the best choice. When you found out, you told me to stop drinking, and that if anything happened to me, that you were going to kill me. I stopped drinking, and I promised you that not another drop of alchohol would touch my lips for a month. You told me not to make that promise, but I did, and I didn't drink any more that night. I didn't drink anymore for almost a year, because despite everything that happened, I felt that I had to keep to that.


I hurt you, and I won't be able to change that, nothing I say can make it right, and no matter what it still happened. It was my fault that all of those problems occured, and I will never be able to express my sorrow of it, nor how sorry I am.